An advocate for mental health, Ryan doesn’t wish to shy away from the topic.
“Actually, committing suicide is a very scary thing. If you ask me now if I dare to do it, I don’t. It’s actually a very impulsive decision, a split-second decision.”
“This illness is very strange. I’m very energetic now, but if I don’t take my medication, the evil thoughts will come,” he continued, adding that his medication is a double-edged sword as it causes him to gain weight.
Ryan then spoke about his very supportive girlfriend, who he’s been with for eight years.
“She actually thought I couldn’t be helped this year,” he said.
Ryan choked up as he revealed his plan to commit suicide: “I brought charcoal home. She confiscated whatever weird things I bought. My girlfriend has been through a lot with me in the past eight years.”
He tried to “chase her away” many times in the past year, because he felt “hopeless”.
In September, Ryan was arrested under the mental health act for allegedly tampering with his neighbour’s lock. He was then admitted into the Institute of Mental Health. Even though his hallucinations had gotten worse, he was initially against the idea.
“Then my girlfriend cried and said without any expression: “Go, I’ll wait for you”,” he said.
And wait for him she did.
During the Mid-Autumn Festival, he was in IMH and couldn’t leave. He also had no access to his phone. His girlfriend brought mooncake and sat across the road from the IMH building and he could see her from his window.
“I cried [so much]. I hope everyone can meet a partner as good as her,” he said, adding that she never told him about the visit, and that he only saw her by chance.
While he’s grateful for her unwavering support, Ryan said that he would choose to have never met his girlfriend if he could start all over again given his current condition.
With all that’s said and done, he laid down this promise to her: “I’m going to work hard to take care of you.”
If you or someone you know is having difficulties coping, here are some numbers to call:
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800-221-4444
Singapore Association for Mental Health: 1800-283-7019
CHAT @ *SCAPE: (+65) 6493 6500, (+65) 6493 6501
SAF Counselling Hotline: 1800-278-0022
Watch Ryan’s full interview with #JustSwipeLah below.